Do you happen to know the feeling where you won’t even get supported by that one person you expect all optimism from? If you do, then welcome to my world. 

Look, I know that it’s not easy what you’re going through just to provide the best for all of us. I do appreciate that. A lot. You know from those tons of letters I gave you in the past 12 years that I do love you and your best efforts. But I don’t really think that I deserve to be judged so poorly by you. :| I hurts, mehn. It freakin hurts. You don’t know how much pressure I receive whenever you utter those mean words. IT MAKES ME WANT TO MELT. (not the happy-romantic kind of way). IT MAKES ME WANT TO DISSOLVE OR JUST PUT A PAPER BAG OVER MY HEAD. Yes, you can become scrutinizingly mean sometimes. The sharpness of your words pierces through my heart and haunts my mind when I go to bed and try to sleep. That’s why it gets so difficult for me to sleep at 10pm these past days.

“Feeling ko pag grumaduate ka, iiwan mo na kami. Magsasarili ka na.” , “Oh, baka kupitan mo pa yung wallet ko ah”. WTH. It hurt me a lot when you told me those words last Thursday night. I know that I was raised well enough not to even think about doing things like those. I thought you knew that as well. 

And oh, there’s something that I’ve been wanting to tell you years ago. I hate it when you cuss. I hate it when you say mean words. I especially hate it when you associate rude words specifically “katarantaduhan” and “kabalastugan” with the things I do. Especially with my education. Like investing in me wouldn’t lead to something good. 

When I went home late two nights ago and when you overheard our conversation, FYI, I’m wasn’t boasting. “Ang hirap sa writer puro write lang, walang action. Dapat sa’yo pulitiko nalang kasi puro ka promise. Wala ka pang napapatunyan.” We were sharing experiences about life. We were talking about how much thankful when God provided what we needed in difficult times. I was being hopeful that I can give my best efforts in doing my part in finding discounts and scholarships. I was just being optimistic. Why do you keep on making me feel like you’re not happy for me and that you don’t want this? This is my dream. I really want this university. But it is hurting and it will continue to hurt me a lot if you would keep on bringing me down. 

Now, I am sorry if you have to know what I feel through this. I just feel so scared to personally approach you because you have the tendency to ASSUME. I’m sorry for all the wrong that I have done and for not being the daughter that you expect me to be. Look, I love you and I can never thank God enough for giving me a father like you. You help people and you are extremely kind to everyone. I just thought that it would help our relationship if I’d let you know how much I’m hurting.

I’m sorry. I really am.