This is another rant, I suppose. Gee, I don’t know if anyone actually reads my blog posts here but blah. And again, this would be about him. I’m confident to post stuff about him here because I’m pretty sure that he would not be able to know of this entry’s existence. So what the hell.
This is sick. Seriously, everything that is happening between us right now is just plain sick. When I ended us, we agreed to be friends. Then we had a so-called “closure” which I think didn’t work out well. It made things worse for me. I expected and that’s one of the mistakes that I admit I did that time. It made it clear for me that it is over, that fourteen is over, that we were really never meant to be. It really hurts but there’s nothing I can do. Not all stories have happy endings and life doesn’t stop for anybody so I guess I just had to let it all go. And yeah, I did. It was simultaneously hard and easy in my part.
Time passed and I proved that what they say in the movies and in the romantic novels I read is true. Time really can pretty much heal pain but me and him? Not any better. He was kind enough to give me a birthday greeting. That night, I returned his friendly act by acting cold. It was followed by weeks of ignoring each other and worse- I found (and still finding) myself acting bitter towards everything about him. I even went off the line. It was such a stupid mistake.
Now I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I should care about this matter or just let it go. I’ve been remaining silent about this for weeks now but what my conscience tells me is stronger. I can’t afford to be indifferent and act as if nothing’s happening. I can’t afford to lose him as a friend. It would be more painful.
So Javabean, if you’re reading this right now, I just want you to know that I’m really sorry. I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I’ve been wanting to tell you this but I’m just too chicken to buzz you up on Y!M or send you an SMS or talk to you in whatever way possible. I just feel so embarrassed with myself. Everything still hurts but I guess I just have to find a way to face it alone. I’m really happy that you’re happy with your girl and I wish that she would take better care of you than I did. I hope you can forgive me. I really messed up. I wish we could be friends as we were before. It was also this time then, when summer was just starting. I don’t know if you still remember me telling you this but that’s when I have decided that you are my best guy friend. And now I wish we could still be like that. I hope that there’s a way that we can forget everything and start from scratch. But if you don’t think it’s a good idea, it would be fine with me. I should respect whatever way you accept this apology and try my best to understand.
I really miss you. I really miss my best guy friend.
I hope I still matter.
Fellow tumblr users, What should I do?
