31 December 2011
10:14 pm

It actually took a lot of convincing for myself before I finally chose to sit down and work on this entry over watching episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Although now that I have made up my mind, I’m not sure if I would be able to post this entry before 2012 sets foot on this earth. My internet connection is down and I have the faintest idea of its reconnection. Great. It’s another chance that I screwed. I guess, right now, it’s just me, my iPad, and the little sanity that is left in me. I’ll never be able to bid my goodbyes to 2011 on Tumblr like the way I used to.

Like the way I used to. At this point, I am not very sure if 2011 was my year. All I know is that it is, so far, the year where I went through so many changes and learned about what I really want and where I’d like to be. This is the year where I hated and loved myself the most because I finally got the courage to look a little deeper. It may not be my final perspective but at least, for now I know that I have some kind of direction.

For all those years of indulging and pressuring myself with merits, I always thought that I was okay. Everybody in high school perceived me as a geek who will have an uninteresting life journey because everybody knows that she’s set to achieve something big. Boring, monotonous, and automatic. High school scarred me a lot and right now I belong to those people who greatly disagree with the common belief that “high school is the best years.”. High School turned me into a zombie who feeds on nothing but superficiality- honors, perfectionism, social standing. Nothing stopped me from turning into that and it eventually dragged me down, lower than I have ever been. I never enjoyed it the way my other batchmates did. Actually, right now I am trying my best to forget every painful memory I had in High School but I just can’t because I still owe the better version of myself to that old self and no matter how I try so hard to forget it, my heart really hesitates and I believe that it’s because of those few people from High School who have been with me then and now.

I have met so many new faces in 2011 and I owe those new experiences to them. I don’t mean to compare my old friends to the ones that I have today (seriously, there’s no point) but they helped me fill in the blanks of the things that I have been missing and helped me find the adventure that I have been longing for in my entire life. Never have I ever learned so much about myself before I found them in the university and I hope that I can make so much more memories with them. I look forward to looking back at today with them someday, when we are all diplomats and psychologists and awesome people.

I have hurt myself and a lot of people while undergoing these changes. But rest assured that I am heading towards nothing but improvement with the things that I have discovered. Respect is something that I have yet to master more and I have to start trying to be independen sine i’ll be turning eighteen in two more years. I have to learn how to say what I mean when I really mean it to avoid hurting more people. Lastly, I have to keep discovering what I really really want so that I can make the most out of what I can do. I have got so much time and there’s still so many things that I can do for myself, my family, and for the world. Yet, I have to stay realistic on the way. Last year’s Bucket-List-Ala-Mission Impossible was pathetic.

There is so much more in me than just the girl who is addicted to attention, rainbows, and all those shit that I’m into. And although it’s morally wrong, I have discovered that considerable amounts of profanity helps keep the amount of sanity you need for certain situations.

Goodbye 2011, you will be missed.
Screw the prophecies. 2012 will be awesome.

Without Wax,
Aira
desaturainbow/theaspiringdiplomat